


Going Back is the Hardest Part

by GiverofTales



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Cults, F/F, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-30 00:31:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12096789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiverofTales/pseuds/GiverofTales
Summary: What exactly did that look between Nicole Haught and Dolls mean at the end of Season Two? And what is Nicole's mysterious link to The Cult of Bulshar?





	1. Decisions

**Author's Note:**

> I had a random thought that I think a few people had after the season two finale, and this is the result.

Asshole. Yes, Dolls is such an asshole. Strolling over to my desk and dropping THAT on top of my paperwork and walking away. Especially after the day we just had yesterday. And what gives him the right to even poke around in my business like that. I left all of that behind four years ago for a good reason. I promised myself that I wouldn’t even think of that place again, and if I did then it would be 100 years too early. The file itself is worrying enough, but the post-it note that he has set on top of the Manilla file has my heart beating faster than when Waverly decided to go all Cheerleader on me.

 

‘Come See Me.’

 

His handwriting is perfect; in a straight line, all letters the exact same size and uniform. Just like everything he tries so hard to show on the outside.

 

There is no use hiding from it. I already know what is inside of it before I open it. The same thing has haunted me ever since I heard it spoken again yesterday.

 

Bulshar.

 

The name is the stuff of nightmares, the nightmares that I have all too often. They creep up, leaving me stuffing my face in to the pillow to hide my screams from Waverly, who sleeps beside me most nights. Sometimes the screams last a few seconds before I realize that I am awake and beside the love of my life. Other times, they just keep coming and coming, not letting up for hours on end, the pillow soaked with tears by the time I have exhausted myself and fallen back asleep again just as the sun starts to creep in through the windows.

 

There isn’t much contained within the file, a few pictures here and there, as well as a general description, but it is undeniable that it is the Cult.

 

I sit there staring at the pictures in silence, looking to see if two people are contained within them. I don’t know when they were taken, they could have been taken 20 years ago for all I know, but all I can do is hope that they are more recent, from within the past six years. There are no faces that I can see in the picture, everyone is either face down or facing away from the person with the camera, making it very hard to find them. It isn’t even in colour, which makes it near impossible to find the very distinctive flash of red that would give me some sort of clue as to if they are alright. That they are alive.

 

The cop shop is almost silent. There is only the slight hum emitting from my work computer, the tick of the clock on the wall which hasn’t shown the right time since I got here seven months ago, and the low melody creeping under the door of the Black Badge Division door. No one else is here, just me and Dolls. Waverly is back at the Homestead with Wynonna, Jeremy is probably off playing some sort of video game and I can only assume that Doc is keeping a watchful eye over a certain well. I break the silence with the scraping of my wheeled office chair across the linoleum floor, snapping the file closed as I go. I don’t even bother knocking on the door.

 

“What the hell are you up to Dolls? Is this some kind of sick joke?” I slam the door open and throw the file on the table in front of him. I am really hoping this is a joke after everything that happened yesterday.

 

“I wouldn’t joke about something like this, Haught.” Dolls rubs his temples, tiredness evident in his eyes.

 

“How did you find out? All the records of me being there were destroyed, not that they even keep what you and I call records. How long have you known?” I sit down on the edge of the table. Too many memories were brought up by just the one picture. I was doing so well at keeping all of it just under the surface. That one damn picture has shattered the thin glass barrier and it all comes crashing down on me.

 

“I had BBD run a search on you when you moved here. I had to know who I was working with. Their search was,” he starts, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Extensive. It threw up red flags when we couldn’t find any records from before 2011. There was nothing. No birth certificate, no medical or school records. You didn’t exist, and then all of a sudden you did.”

 

“I am fully aware of that. The work I had to do, the strings I had to pull, just to be able to get in the system. They wanted to make me in to a huge news story you know- _‘The girl who got away from the world’s most dangerous cult’_. It made me feel sick. All I wanted to do was to leave it all behind me and move on.” My palms start to shake just thinking about what I had to do to get away from that place; a literal hell on earth, and that was for probably the luckiest out of all of them.

 

“I get that Nicole, I really do. But you have something just now that we all could use: insight. Anything that you could tell us might help.” Dolls perks up a little, must be because I haven’t stormed out of here yet or that I haven’t completely broken down yet. “There’s something else that you have that is invaluable. You have connections in there; you could go in and see what they are planning.”

 

“Are you insane? You’ve obviously read the file, you know what they do. What they did to me!” I get the words out before my mind catches up to what I am actually saying.

 

“I don’t know what they did to you Nicole. All the file has is basic information. We know very little about the cult, and that’s why we really need your help. We can’ go up against this blind. I need a plan. We all need a plan. And I need you to be able to do that.”

 

I could strangle him. I honestly could. He really believes that I would go back there. I’d do almost anything, but I will never go back there. I’d rather die than go back there. No-one knows what goes on there, and if I have any say then no one ever will.

 

“Think about it Nicole, you could be responsible for saving us all. You could be the one to finally take it down. How is that for justice?” Dolls is trying to appeal to the heroine in me. And I am surprised to realise that it’s working, maybe just a little. He did make my mind pause for a minute, and switch from killing him to taking HIM down.

 

“You really don’t know what they do to you there do you?” I whisper. I can imagine that my face is sheet white just now, making my red hair seem brighter than usual. I take a seat and hold my head between my hands, as if that will keep the tears at bay.

 

“It’s not a cult that you join, and if you do then you must be really sick in the head to do it. You used to be able to join; my great grandparents did for whatever reason though I never asked why. I never wanted to know why. It’s definitely not a place for a child, even though we are all born in to it.” The words start pouring from me before I have a chance to stop them. “Those widows, what the widow Beth wanted to do to Wynonna’s baby, that happened. Not every day, but on important ‘holidays’.” I look up to see his face soften and feel a hand on my back. “I can’t go back there Dolls.” I half sob. There isn’t much that can turn me in to a blubbering mess, well except perhaps Waverly, but this is something that I refuse to face. “I was one of the lucky ones, my parents were the leaders, but you don’t get there with painting rainbows and unicorns, and I had to see everything that they did.”

 

“Nicole, I won’t force you. I just want you to consider it, please. This could be the thing that helps Wynonna break the curse. I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to do, but please think about it.” Dolls’ hand still rests on my back, and I let him leave it there a while longer.

 

“I want to help, I really do. I’d do anything for Waverly and Wynonna, you know that. I’ll think about it, but I won’t promise that you’ll like my answer. I don’t know if I’ll even like my answer.” I sit back, placing a stray red lock behind my ear, wiping under my eyes in case any tears had broken free.

 

“That’s all I can ask for.” Dolls straightens up and goes over to grab his coat. “I’m going to go over and check on Wynonna. Do you want me to send Waverly your way?” he pauses at the door. I glance at the clock. Of course the one in BBD actually works. It’s much later than I expected.

 

“Please do. Tell Wynonna I say hi will you.” I tuck my chair under the table, grab the file and follow Dolls out. He locks the door after me and follows me over to my desk to grab my things. Four texts from Waverly await me on the way out. I grab my keys to lock up the cop shop and almost drop my phone.

 

“Careful there baby.” I hear from behind me. “Late night?” I turn around and see Waverly laughing to herself. I have my coat half on, a file in my mouth, keys in one and my phone in the other. I’d laugh too if I wasn’t so drained. I drop the file from my mouth and catch it in the crook of my arm before it can fall to the wet ground where it would no doubt fall open for Waverly to see.

 

“It felt like it was never going to end.” I smile half-heartedly at Waverly and pull her in for a hug. “I missed you today.” I mumble, my chin resting on top of her head.

 

“I missed you too baby.” I hear faintly from inside my open coat. “How about we go back to yours, feed Calamity Jane and watch a movie. You can tell me all about your day.” Waverly pulls away from the hug and grabs my hand with a smile on her face. That’s just one of the things that I love about her, she has this insane ability to make me feel instantly whole, instead of having a big gaping hole inside of me where my childhood lives.

 

“I’d love that. You can catch me up on all that’s going on at the homestead as well.” I smile genuinely this time and guide Waverly over to my car. Her jeep is here, but as usual we take my squad car back to mine. It makes sense to use the one car, and with how early I usually start, I can always just drop Waverly back off in the morning to get it on my way in to the office.

 

Waverly chats the whole way back, which isn’t that far. That’s what I love about living in a small town, my commute is always short and I get to sleep in, which seems to happen more often than not whenever a certain someone stays over. I pull up in front of my porch steps and kill the engine. Waverly is up the steps and opening the door before I can even get my seatbelt undone. I swear she spends more time with my cat than I do, and it’s only gotten worse since I gave her a key last month. Her leopard print coat is already hung on its hook and her boots nearly in the boot tray by the door. It isn’t long before I let mine join hers and leave her to feed the cat, smiling at the scene for a moment before going to get changed in to my sweatpants and shirt and settling on the couch with the TV remote to try and find a movie.

 

I feel my weight shift on the couch, signalling Waverly joining me, and I move my arm to let her snuggle in.

 

“What are we watching tonight then?” her chocolate eyes staring in to mine.

 

“Something Pixar?” I smile. Waverly knows all too well my fixation with Pixar movies, and it is something she is more than willing to indulge seeing as she loves them too. “What about Brave?”

 

“You just love that movie because of her hair.” Waverly teases, hitting my arm playfully. “I won’t complain if you put it on though.” She finishes and snuggles back in, giving me the opportunity to play Brave for what feels like the millionth time.

 

It isn’t long before I lose interest in the movie and my mind goes back to what Dolls was saying back in the office. This is an opportunity for me to face it all, something that I’ve been preaching but not practising, and what better way than to face it and help these amazing people around me, to face it and help my family.

 

I am so lost in thought that I don’t even realise that the movie has finished and that Waverly has fallen asleep curled up next to me. I know from experience that the two of us sleeping on this couch usually ends up with both of us in a terrible mood the next morning, so I do the only thing that I can. I scoop Waverly up in my arms and carry her upstairs to the bedroom, covering miss _‘Three duvets plus a bonus blanket in the winter’_ in the thick assortment I keep on the bed just for her, and climb in beside her. My weight change on the bed when I finally settle in causing her to roll over and fit herself around my body.

 

Surprisingly, my usual nightmares do not wake me from my sleep, and instead it is my alarm and the sunlight streaming in through the window that does. The obnoxious ringing will not shut off, no matter how many times I try to swat at the snooze button.

 

“Can you just shut that thing off already?” Waverly moans beside me, grabbing her pillow to block out the early spring sunshine.

 

“I got it.” I mumble, extracting myself from the warm bed and unplug the alarm clock. I carry it over to the window, open it and toss it out in to the half melted snow. “There we go.”

 

“Nicole! Seriously?” Waverly laughs, throwing her pillow at me.

 

“I always hated that thing.” I laugh, tossing it back at her, and grab my phone. I send a quick text to Dolls, telling him to meet us at Shorty’s for coffee in an hour. “Come on, We’re meeting Dolls for coffee.” I pull the covers back off her, exposing her to the cold.

 

“But I’m comfortable. Don’t make me!” she scrambles to grab the covers back, but I keep them away from her.

 

“Nope. Didn’t you hear the word coffee.” I throw myself next to her. “I have to get to work as well, so I’m going to jump in the shower.” I purposely climb over the top of her, kissing her softly as I go despite morning breath.

 

“Well if there is coffee involved, then I suppose I could get up and join you.” Waverly stretched out like a cat on the bed, twisting her back before getting out of bed and following me to the bathroom.

 

Closing the car door quickly behind me to start up the engine and get some heat in the car, Waverly locks up the house and runs over. We are running late as usual because Waverly couldn’t decide what to wear, and couldn’t leave the house without giving Calamity Jane one thousand kisses so she wouldn’t forget her in the short period of time that we will be gone.

 

Waverly jumps out the squad car the second I pull in to the station car lot. I need to see if there is any mail before we grab coffee, and Waverly wants to make sure Wynonna was ok without her overnight. She knows that Wynonna needs her space, but Waverly seems to be hovering near her like a satellite just in case she needs her, but apparently Wynonna has taken her bike out on a drive. Good for her, she needs a distraction just now and a bike ride seems like a good idea to me. The mail has just been delivered for today, and the receptionist, bless her heart, has already put mine on my desk. Just the one piece today. I grab it and open the top drawer, pulling it out slowly to reveal the one thing I hate most in the world right now.

 

When Widow Mercedes was blasted by the split bullet, everything disappeared apart from her ring. Bulshar’s ring. I had only seen paintings of what it could look like. No one’s seen it in over a century, but the cult was always looking for it. I pick it up and slide it in to my pocket, closing the drawer behind me.

 

“Waves, I’ll go on ahead to Shorty’s with the car. I have to go on patrol soon. Get you guys over there?” I call in to the open office, careful not to open the door any further.

 

“Sure, we won’t be long.” I hear her angelic voice sing over the noise of Jeremy’s radio. “Jeremy’s coming too.”

 

I climb back in to my squad car and turn my police scanner on out of habit. I don’t start my shift for another hour, but this is Purgatory, and the closer it gets to midday, the more drunks there are out on the street trying to shake off their night before. When I shut my engine off in front of Shorty’s after taking the long way round, Waverly and Jeremy are already sitting there. She smiles and waves at me, and I smile back at her, pulling out my mail from today.

 

Once it’s open, my heart skips a beat; a grin spreads across my face. She finally signed them. I’d only been asking for a year. Shae and I have been good friends since we separated, but I wanted to move on and she didn’t. Maybe she finally realized that I had moved on when she was in the hospital last week when I was bitten my Widow Mercedes. The divorce papers are finally signed, and the biggest mistake I’ve made since I left is finally behind me. Looking at Waverly now makes my heart swell. She is laughing and joking with Jeremy.

 

I pick up the other file I kept stashed in the car last night, the Bulshar file. I stare once more at the picture, trying again to see if they are in it, but I still can’t make anyone out. The ring in my pocket feels heavy. I reach in and lift it out, setting it next to the open file, my eyes catching the signed divorce papers again.

 

If I do this, then it means that we could have a future together. I see Dolls finally appear with the coffee and look in my direction. I still have the file and the ring in my hand. His eyes stare, an unasked question spread across them. I feel my face harden slightly, and nod once. His nod back is barely there, but I can see the relief spread across his face. Somehow the relief spreads to me, and I close the file, place it on the seat next to me and sit the ring on top.

 

It’s only a short walk over to Waverly who holds my coffee in her hand. I kiss her, finally happy that I can do it guilt free, and lift my coffee out of her hands. She smiles at me with that smile of hers that could melt anyone’s heart. I think I’ll give her today. She has had enough upheaval in the past seven months. I can hold on just a little more before I tell her just exactly where I come from, and what I have to do to build a future for the two of us.


	2. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you have to let it all out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all. Thanks for reading this story, for liking it and for commenting. It really means a lot! Hopefully you all like this new chapter.

I paced in front of the TV, Waverly’s eyes following me at every turn. We had been like this for five minutes. I’ve been trying to tell her for the past five minutes, but every time I start to talk, the words get stuck half way there, and I change direction.

 

“Now you’re really scaring me babe. Did I do something wrong?” Waverly speaks softly, her voice breaking the silence in my living room, and making me stop pacing long enough to look in to her puppy dog eyes.

 

“Of course not Waves. You are perfect. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I grab her hands and kneel in front of her. “It’s something about me that I have to tell you, and I just don’t know how to say it is all.” I stare in to her eyes, seeing panic start to appear.

 

“She refused to sign the papers again didn’t she?” Waverly breathes slowly, her chest rising slowly. I can see a few tears start to form in her eyes.

 

“The opposite actually,” I laugh, wiping under her eyes to get rid of the stay tear that fell before it can make its way any further down her cheek. “She signed. I got the papers yesterday and sent them to my lawyer. It shouldn’t me much longer till it’s all done.” I move to sit beside her on the sofa and take her hands back in to mine. “It’s something else I have to tell you.”

  
I take in a deep breath after seeing Waverly nod, realising that for the moment at least, the world seems to be going our way. “Have you ever noticed that I don’t really talk about when I was kid, or my parents or family?”

 

“Yeah, I noticed, but that’s not a big thing. I know you don’t talk to your parents, and that’s your deal.” Waverly strokes her thumb along my hand, the love flowing from her eyes. God she is making this much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.

 

“Ok, I just have to say it. Saying it quick will get it over with faster, just like a Band-Aid, right?” I push off the sofa, resuming my pacing, hoping that the movement will help the words come to me this time.

 

“I know everything about Bulshar.” I blurt out after a few more minutes of silent pacing, quickly coming to a stop as the words are out of my mouth. I take a deep breath and turn towards Waverly to gauge her reaction. She is still sitting on the couch, but she seems stuck in one place, her eyes fixed on me. “I know everything about the Cult of Bulshar.” I whisper, moving back over to take a seat next to her, grabbing one of the overflow decorative throw pillows from Wynonna’s excessive nesting phase that made its way in to my house courtesy of Waverly.

 

“Ok. So how do you know everything about the cult? We just learned of its existence three days ago, but you’re an expert in it. How is that possible? Do you have like some sort of super power that I don’t know about?” Waverly’s eyes never leave my own, but they never demand an answer. Her eyes are instead full of kindness of patience, allowing me to say what I have to say in my own time.

 

“I’m a lesbian not a unicorn, remember.” I smile at her, remembering her words from all those months ago. “My parents were in the cult, or still are. I don’t know if my mother is, and I don’t know if they are alive. My grandparents were in it too, as well as my great grandparents. It’s something that you are born in to, and I most definitely was. I haven’t heard of someone joining them from the outside, and with everything I know, I don’t know why anyone would ever want to. ” My eyes feel very dry. I don’t have any more tears for the cult. I’ve cried too much over the past twenty-two years for there to be any left, and the nightmares that came the night before left me too empty to cry.

 

“So, you were born in to a cult. That’s not so bad. We can deal with that baby.” Waverly smiles softly at me, letting me continue at my own pace, agonisingly slow.

 

“Yeah, I was but that’s not all. My father is the leader.” I inhale in a deep breath, waiting for a reaction, but none comes. “So was my grandfather and great grandfather. It’s passed on through the oldest kid, kind of like royalty I suppose. And that’s what it was like, in its own twisted way.”

 

“But now you’re here. You’re out here with me.” Waverly starts, her hands going to play with my hair. This type of playing with my hair calms me down, unlike the other times.

 

“I’ll get to that bit soon. I promise.” I weakly smile at her, getting one back in response. “So my father was the leader, but I never knew who my mother was. In the cult, the women never get married. It’s like one big melting pot in there, they are there to be used by the men whenever they want, and the leader in particular ‘uses’ pretty much all of the women.” I feel sick to my stomach talking about this aspect of the cult, about my own ‘father’ in that way, but this is not even close to the worst of what I have to tell Waverly. This part of it seems like a walk in the park compared to everything else that goes on.

 

“I have a twin sister. I never told you that. I never told anyone that.” I exhale slowly, a weight lifted off my shoulders. “And I have at least fifty brothers and sisters. I eventually lost count, but everyone in there is related in some way or another.” I can’t look at her. Waverly’s eyes are so full of acceptance. “I left them all behind to those monsters. Even my damn twin sister who was practically the princess of the compound.” There is no use in trying to avoid them; the tears start to fall freely now thinking of all of them that I left behind. Every single sibling of mine. “They all loved her, loved her more than me. She just smiled at them all, and said all the right things. I always knew that something was off in there, that it wasn’t real life.”

  
“My sister and I were the oldest. Our father had just ‘come of age’ and had chosen our mother for the ‘Winter Solstice Presentation’ as they call it.” Waverly’s hands move from playing with my hair to pull me in to her arms, her warmth surrounding me. She doesn’t say a word; she just lets me talk at my own pace, I already know what her question would be before she asks it. “They have one at every solstice. Basically, they line up all of the girls who haven’t been chosen by anyone before because they hadn’t been ‘ready’, and they present them to the men at the solstice. The leader choses first, and then the other men do according to their ranking, until there are none left.” My shoulders sag. I’ve had all of this drilled in to me since the day I was born, but I have tried not to think about it at all since the day I left.  
“They say that our mother was the prettiest of all, and that father had his eye on her for years. My grandfather had already chosen for himself, and my father chose her.” I close my eyes and try to picture her. Father had brown hair, which means that she had red hair. All I can picture though is a blank face with red hair, an uncommon occurrence within the cult. Not many in there had red hair surprisingly, maybe five or six of us out of every age range.  
“Someone I asked once told me that she was young, but they didn’t say how young. That means she was younger than most, but that’s all I have ever been able to find out about her, and I didn’t dare ask around anymore. I wasn’t allowed to ask around anymore than I did. The kids in there never really know who their mothers are, just their fathers based on their number names.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me Nic. Not if you don’t want to.” Waverly announces after a few minutes of silence pass between us. I pay with a loose thread on the throw pillow.

 

“I want to. I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us Waves.” I turn to face her and peck her quickly on the cheek. “I have to tell you. I have to tell you it all.”

 

“Ok, I’m here. It’s just me and you. And the cat.” Waverly adds, and I settle in front of her again. Waverly’s arms snake around me once more, giving me the strength to continue.

 

“I never did find out who she was. I wish I knew. It was all I wanted in there. I was alone, and just wanted my mother to give me a hug and tell me it was okay, but that wasn’t normal. I thought I was broken for wanting to know who she was and for wanting her to be there for me.” The thread I was picking at on the pillow came loose, unravelling part of the design with it.

  
“My sister never wanted to know, and always told me to stop asking about her, that she didn’t want to know.”

 

“I think makes you one hundred per cent normal babe. I want to know where I come from; it’s only natural that you do too.” Waverly smiled, stroking my arm.

 

“That’s why I wanted to help you so much, and why I didn’t want you to see the result. I wanted you to have what I never had, but I also know that knowing might be just as bad as not knowing. No matter how much I want to know, I don’t want to know at the same time.” I scramble for my words, not sure how to articulate my feelings, but I know Waverly knows exactly how I feel. She is more like me than I ever care to admit. Our broken pieces match up, making them feel whole whenever we are together, like to jigsaw pieces that somehow fit together but are in the wrong box, are part of a different puzzle.

 

“I know, and now I know why you did it. And honestly, I know you were just looking out for me. You always look after me Nic. And I love you for it.” Waverly kisses my forehead, making a small smile escape my lips.

 

“And I love that you are always here for me no matter what.” I snuggle in to her some more, silence falling over the two of us once more.

 

“I don’t know her name, my mother. I never found out. I didn’t have one till I left. My sister though, she got one a few years before I got out. They called her Rebecca. So much nicer than the number name she had, and it kind of suited her. Did you know it means servant?” I look up to Waverly, she smiles and nods. Of course she knows that Rebecca means servant. Waverly knows practically everything, and she still surprises me with what she knows.

 

“What’s a number name? I’ve never heard of that.” I finally found something that she doesn’t know.

 

“All of the kids are given a number based on the order of their birth and on their fathers ranking in the compound. She was 1-1, I was 1-2. When we reach a certain age, then we get given a name by the first male. ” I look up in to her eyes, hers gazing back down in to my own. There are some tears there trying to fight their way out but she doesn’t seem to be letting them. “The females in there are seen as nothing Waves, seen as being lower than the animals. Our parents don’t even get to choose our names at birth. We just get randomly given one by the first guy who choses us. The boys get to choose their own name; because that’s the sort of patriarchal bullshit land I grew up in”

 

“What happens to them, the women? You said that they get ‘used’ whenever the males want, then what?” Waverly blurted out, trying to get all her questions out in one breath.

 

“They see the women as breeding machines, and with not a lot of health care, things are bad. There are so many of the mothers and babies that die.” I close my eyes, thinking of the future that was almost mine, at the present that my twin is currently living. I never want that kind of future for anyone. “When you start your period in there, it’s a homing beacon. That means that you are able to take your place in society. Most of the girls really look forward to it, but that’s because they don’t know any better.”

 

“Their place in society? At least now I can see why you’re a raging feminist.” Waverly sounds outraged, and I really cannot blame her. When I was old enough to understand what all the kids leaving meant, I was too.

 

“It means that you move out of the Children’s Compound, watched constantly by the elders to see who would be next. It means that you step out of one prison and in to another.” I take a deep breath, trying to steady the ever present tears on my cheeks. “It’s the worst kind of terror in that compound. You work from the minute they deem you old enough, until the second they drag you out or they call you to the office. It might be in the middle of your work detail, it might be in the middle of the night, but everyone knows what it means if you get called to the office. It only happens on certain days, but it’s never talked about. Everyone just knows that it happens at the solstice presentations, and that you are never seen again after that night. The stuff they do before then, before the ‘main event’ of the presentations…” I stop and shudder, the stuff of my nightmares coming to the front of my mind. The words are spilling out before I have a chance to stop them.

 

“I was one of the oldest, and because we were twins, I was always dragged along to it. It is the worst thing ever Waves, and I can’t even begin to describe it, but let’s just say I never left that room without throwing up a couple of times and my throat feeling like sandpaper.”

 

“What were they doing in there Nic?” Waverly voiced quietly, and I’m afraid to answer her. What if it changes her opinion of me? I know that I have no choice but to say it.

 

“They were sacrificing them to Bulshar.” I hang my head, shame filling me. I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of, I was too young to do anything, and I was an unwilling participant, but I still feel ashamed that I never tried hard enough to help those kids.

 

“Wait, what? What sacrifice are you talking about?” Waverly bolts up, her arms still around me and dragging me with her. We don’t move very far, but it’s enough for my eyes to snap wide open.

 

“What that widow, Beth, was saying she wanted to do to little Alice, feed her to Bulshar, they did that on the compound.” I look up to her, shock on her face and her mouth hanging slightly open. “Every solstice, they would take a boy and a girl from the Children’s Compound, and they would sacrifice them to stay in Bulshar’s good grace.”

 

“Jesus Nic.” Waverly whispers. If I wasn’t right in front of her I doubt I would have heard her. “How long were you in that compound?” Waverly leans backwards slightly, now able to look at my face without me looking at her.

 

“Sixteen years.” I speak slowly. “I was in there until the day I left. Rebecca left years before that, but then she was always the favourite out of the two of us. She was the one who always did everything first. She was the favourite, so she always got the good work details growing up, and then she was the first from our age group to leave. Being the favourite gave her certain perks growing up that I never did. She got days off, she could get away with a lot more shit than I did. If I stepped one toe out of line, I was in big trouble. I was nothing more than her understudy, waiting to see if she died to take her place. That’s how they all saw me. So I knew that I had to get out of there.”

 

“So, seeing as your parents didn’t name you, how did you get your name?” Waverly finally speaks up, her chin resting on my head. That feels strange; it’s usually the opposite way round. I don’t think she has ever rested her chin on my head like that, and it’s really comforting. I can see why she sighs every time I do that to her.

 

“That’s an easy story. Much easier than telling you all of this.” I smile despite my tears. “I managed to get out of there near Christmas, and when I was escaping, I heard Christmas songs on the radio and one of them was talking about St. Nicholas, so I loved the name because it reminds me of the day I got free from there. And it also means Victory of the People. I learned that one not long after, so it kind of fits. The Haught part comes from someone catcalling on the street, they shouted that I was hot, so not really realising what I was saying to the officer who found me, I told him my name was Nicole Hot, but he misspelled it and now I’m stuck as Haught.” I laugh out loud at that, as does Waverly, even though she is trying her hardest not to. She doesn’t make a sound, but I can feel her chest vibrating with laughter.

  
“So then, my Nicole Haught, How did you manage to get out?” Waverly broke the silence. We were just sitting there waiting on our laughter to abate, Waverly’s arms still securely around me, holding me together.

 

“You know I like rock climbing, don’t you?” I pause long enough to see her nod. “Well, I packed away a few supplies, food and what not, and then I knew that we were in a valley, and valleys have hills. Hills sometimes have cliffs. So what I did is I scaled a cliff without any equipement and found a road. Bear in mind that this is the middle of December, theres snow everywhere, and I did not have the right euipement at all.” I look at Waverly’s face to see shock.

 

“You scaled a cliff, in the middle of winter, without any gear? You really are crazy!” Waverly hits my arm and laughs, and I must admit that I agree with her. Escaping was the craziest thing I have ever done by a long shot.

 

“So yeah, I climbed a rock face, and walked for a while and managed to hitch a ride to the nearest city, and walked around there for a while, before I found a police office and went in.” I went to set up, pulling Waverly’s arms away from around me, “And everything after that, I got put in a group home. After I told them about the cult, they wanted to turn it in to a media circus, but I wouldn’t let them, so I got put in a group home got put in to school for the first time, and after that, I guess you already know everything.”

 

“Yeah, you ended up here with me.” Waverly runs her hand through my hair again and plants a kiss on my lips, her touch lingering after she moves away from me. “So, that’s all stuff we can deal with, right? We can totally deal with this.”

 

“Maybe not you. I have to go back Waves.” I push myself off the couch again, tossing the pillow back on the sofa. “I’m going undercover.”

 

“Are you sure you want to?” Waverly sits on the edge of the sofa now, her hands twisting themselves in knots.

 

“I don’t want to, but I have to. It’s our only chance at getting someone on the inside, to try and find out what Bulshar’s end game is. For me to finally end the cult once and for all and get payback for all of us that were in it.”


End file.
